Buring out...

What causes writers block or an artistic meltdown; I know I’ve gone through phases of both in this past year or two. I know from a writing stand point I have put that to the side for other things at the moment but still… no new ideas are popping into my head that I have to run and put them on paper. The artistic block for me is a bit easier to figure out. The things that killed me were some of my bigger business deals with my comic work falling flat. ICE press, Cocked and loaded studios or my run in with Hollywood producers or whatever…expectations for these projects were very high and it never came to fruition.

I hate to blame other people because I know I have to make those good choices. I know when I starting doing “Pencilneck”, the current project I’m working on, I felt like I had something to prove and somewhere along the line I got into another funk. Either not getting along with the writer or having a difference of opinions about the art or the direction of the project. Before I knew it I was back in this funk of believing that this project was going to go nowhere and all hard work would never been seen.

I know when I first started drawing comics my goal was to see my name and work in print. It was very much a vanity driven goal. I didn’t care if it was great work I just wanted it out there. That wore off sometime ago. In the past few years of all the published work I’ve done, no matter if it’s RPG books, advertising or comics, I’ve seen very little of it. Most of it made it to print but I never had any interest in seeing it. I’ve never even seen the 2nd issue of Pencilneck that came out this summer.

I guess the point I’m making is that I really don’t care to see my name “in lights” anymore or care to go to conventions and try to sell my books to a dozen people or walk around with a “pro” badge and act more important than I really am. I just wanna do a good project that I can believe in and that will showcase what little talent I have.

I’m having a hard time trusting the people I work with or to get excited about projects anymore. Maybe I’m burned out or too jaded to continue my publishing endeavors. It’s not art; I draw everyday and still enjoy creating works of my own personal choosing. I thought it would ware off and I’d come back stronger and more hungry. It hasn’t happened yet. Right now I’m at the point where I’m looking back at my work and think all of it is shit. Not feeling sorry for myself, just looking at it from a realistic stand point knowing that my work maybe didn’t achieve because it wasn’t up to the standards to achieve. I guess I can blame anyone I want but maybe I’ve over achieved already and should be happy I was able to create anything someone would buy or read.

My new goal is to finish my current project and re asses what I want to do with my comic career. Thank god I have more going for me in life than just comics or I would be in a rough place. I do feel more free now, not really caring about comics, my career or who has a book coming out. I used to have envy for my friends that have a book that was hot or getting picked up by a publisher now, I don’t even know who is doing what. I really don’t network, post of message boards or generally care about what’s going on in the comic book world. Part of me thinks this is the calm before the storm and I’m like a little cocooned caterpillar waiting, evolving into something different and far superior than my last incarnation. I really feel like there is so much more I having in me, but just don’t know when it’s ready to come out. Part of the reason behind this blog is to work those creative writing muscles and to purge some of these thoughts. Get them out there and to be free from them. I know not too many people if any read this blog, but like I said, I’m past the point of vanity. I just want to express even if it’s just for expressions sake.