Buring out...

What causes writers block or an artistic meltdown; I know I’ve gone through phases of both in this past year or two. I know from a writing stand point I have put that to the side for other things at the moment but still… no new ideas are popping into my head that I have to run and put them on paper. The artistic block for me is a bit easier to figure out. The things that killed me were some of my bigger business deals with my comic work falling flat. ICE press, Cocked and loaded studios or my run in with Hollywood producers or whatever…expectations for these projects were very high and it never came to fruition.

I hate to blame other people because I know I have to make those good choices. I know when I starting doing “Pencilneck”, the current project I’m working on, I felt like I had something to prove and somewhere along the line I got into another funk. Either not getting along with the writer or having a difference of opinions about the art or the direction of the project. Before I knew it I was back in this funk of believing that this project was going to go nowhere and all hard work would never been seen.

I know when I first started drawing comics my goal was to see my name and work in print. It was very much a vanity driven goal. I didn’t care if it was great work I just wanted it out there. That wore off sometime ago. In the past few years of all the published work I’ve done, no matter if it’s RPG books, advertising or comics, I’ve seen very little of it. Most of it made it to print but I never had any interest in seeing it. I’ve never even seen the 2nd issue of Pencilneck that came out this summer.

I guess the point I’m making is that I really don’t care to see my name “in lights” anymore or care to go to conventions and try to sell my books to a dozen people or walk around with a “pro” badge and act more important than I really am. I just wanna do a good project that I can believe in and that will showcase what little talent I have.

I’m having a hard time trusting the people I work with or to get excited about projects anymore. Maybe I’m burned out or too jaded to continue my publishing endeavors. It’s not art; I draw everyday and still enjoy creating works of my own personal choosing. I thought it would ware off and I’d come back stronger and more hungry. It hasn’t happened yet. Right now I’m at the point where I’m looking back at my work and think all of it is shit. Not feeling sorry for myself, just looking at it from a realistic stand point knowing that my work maybe didn’t achieve because it wasn’t up to the standards to achieve. I guess I can blame anyone I want but maybe I’ve over achieved already and should be happy I was able to create anything someone would buy or read.

My new goal is to finish my current project and re asses what I want to do with my comic career. Thank god I have more going for me in life than just comics or I would be in a rough place. I do feel more free now, not really caring about comics, my career or who has a book coming out. I used to have envy for my friends that have a book that was hot or getting picked up by a publisher now, I don’t even know who is doing what. I really don’t network, post of message boards or generally care about what’s going on in the comic book world. Part of me thinks this is the calm before the storm and I’m like a little cocooned caterpillar waiting, evolving into something different and far superior than my last incarnation. I really feel like there is so much more I having in me, but just don’t know when it’s ready to come out. Part of the reason behind this blog is to work those creative writing muscles and to purge some of these thoughts. Get them out there and to be free from them. I know not too many people if any read this blog, but like I said, I’m past the point of vanity. I just want to express even if it’s just for expressions sake.

Death Proof bitches!

This movie is fantastic own the DVD and have watched it about 6 times already. If you missed it at the theater you get to see the extended version. I’m glad I saw the theatrical release thou. I ‘m glad they didn’t include the trailers on this DVD. You wanna know why? Because nobody went out and supported this movie as they should have in the theater.

This film, (well Grindhouse) was made for the theater experience and the director(s) took great pains to make it a real movie going experience. Fuck the people who didn't see it in the theater saying “I’ll just wait for this on DVD." Good, wait for it on DVD, but you ain't getting what I got in the theater.

People, especially fans of these directors and of these movies, need to support these creative guys that are trying to invent some excitement about going out with some friends, getting there early for a good seat with your popcorn and enjoying a theater experience. Stop supporting the shit films and come out and spend some dough for these guys. Don't wait for the DVD!!!!!!!!!

If you didn't see this in the theater I hope you never see the trailers. I hope after you buy your DVD you leave it on the stairs and I hope you mother trips on it, tumbling down head over c’ankles. right on top of your family pet killing it instantly. Your Moms injury is quite sever, she rupturing her femoral artery as it sprays blood all over the new living room carpet. The family rushes her to the hospital and the doctors gives her an emendate blood transfusion. You are over joyed at your mother’s full recovery. Week later your mother learns the horrific news that she contracted full blow AIDS from her transfusion and will die a slow painful death. Not wanting to go through the agony the old bag attempts suicide by hanging herself, but her poor, brutal old spine can not take the weight of her body so her head pops off spraying AIDS blood all over the freshly installed carpet that you just replaced, the new family pet you just bought and all your family photos and shitty DVD collection. You can't bare the thought of cleaning this mess up so you torch the house for the insurance money and quickly go to prison for extortion and double homicide (the family pet:) Now you get pink socked every night from bubba and right when he finishes dumping his load all over your back he asks you "Did you see Grindhouse, those trailers killed me, too bad they are not on the DVD."

Yes they make money off the DVD’s but the Hollywood machine cares more, much more about the box office and the first week(end) ticket sales. Please feel free to bitch about this film coming out every year with a new special addition. There was a unique experience last year that most young people have never had in a movie theater, don’t blame these guys for trying to get some more cash for these two masterpieces of modern cinema. They deserve something for trying new gimmicks to get people excited to see films in the theater. Shame on them for making two great films, charging for a normal ticket price and making it fun as fuck.

in the news

BOSTON (Oct. 4) -- Exactly how Ciara Durkin died remains a mystery. The Army National Guard soldier from Massachusetts was found dead with a gunshot wound to the head in Afghanistan Sept. 28, and now her family is demanding answers from the military.


Initially the Pentagon reported that Durkin, part of a finance unit deployed to Afghanistan in November 2006, had been killed in action, but then revised its statement to read she had died of injuries "suffered from a non-combat related incident" at Bagram Airfield. The statement had no specifics and said the circumstances are under investigation.

Durkin had a desk job doing payroll in an office about three miles inside the secure Bagram Air Base. About 90 minutes after she left work Sept. 28, her family says she was found dead near a chapel on the base with a single gunshot wound to the head.

The 30-year-old soldier, who was born in Ireland and came to the U.S. as a little girl, felt safer deployed in Afghanistan over Iraq , her family told CBS News correspondent Kelly Wallace. Yet she was found dead within a highly secure base, with few answers.

"The family has been informed that she was in the compound, and she was shot in the head," Durkin's sister, Fiona Canavan, told the Boston Globe. "She was in a secure area of the compound, which, even though the investigation is not complete, leads the family to believe it was what is called friendly fire," she said.

Adding to the mystery is something the Army Specialist told her family: if something happened to her in Afghanistan, they should look into it. She was concerned about things she was seeing over there, one of her eight brothers and sisters said in an interview.

Canavan told the Quincy, Mass., Patriot Ledger on Wednesday that when her sister was home three weeks ago, she told her about something she had come across that raised some concern with her: "She was in the finance unit and she said, 'I discovered some things I don’t like and I made some enemies because of it.'"

Canavan revealed that Durkin said if anything happened to her, to make sure it was investigated.

"At the time we thought it was said more as a joke," Canavan told the paper.


The family is also wondering whether Durkin's sexual orientation -- she was gay -- played a role in her death.

"We just want full disclosure, that's all we want -- to know what happened to our sister," Diedre Durkin said.

Massachusetts Senators Ted Kennedy and John Kerry and Rep. William Delahunt are pressing for answers.

In a letter to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, Kerry said the circumstances need to be uncovered expeditiously and thoroughly.

Durkin's extended family has also asked for help from the Irish Department of Foreign Affairs.

The family doubts suicide, pointing to an upbeat "happy birthday" voicemail Durkin left for her brother just hours before she died.

"I thought it was cute at the time," Pierce Durkin said. "Now it's priceless."

The family's grief, made more torturous by the limited information being released and rumors, is not helped by remembrances of past instances where misinformation followed the deaths or injuries of service members.

The military initially said Army Ranger Pat Tillman was killed in an enemy firefight in Afghanistan in 2004, even after evidence came to light that he had been killed by friendly fire.

There were also reports circulated that captured Army pfc. Jessica Lynch had bravely fired upon insurgents after being wounded, though she testified later that that was not so.

Sgt. Patrick McCaffrey and 1st Lt. Andre Tyson, killed in Iraq in 2004, were first reported to have been killed in an insurgent ambush, when they were actually killed by two Iraqi soldiers they were training.

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

Napping…Comprede`

Today I was very diligent in doing some homework and when I finished I decided to take one of my famous 15 min power naps, that usually turn into a hour in a half comma that leaves me more tired than before. I awoken realizing I had a weird dream that I wanted to share before I forgotten it, maybe I can decipher some kind of meaning from it.

The main things about the dream that I can remember is one of my daughters in the kitchen, elbow deep into a box of cereal sifting through the goodness, something I despise. I screamed, “Put that cereal back!” The next thing I remember about my dream was I noticed someone had left my sprinklers on in my front yard, flooding it. Then I went inside where I seen a young Mexican boy sliding down the railing of my stare case. He was dressed like a thug and was wearing lots of bling.

Not knowing where this teen age hood rat came from I followed him down stairs. As I turned the corner, my eyes scanned the living room for this boy that was obviously here stealing something. I spotted him and grabbed his arm! He squirmed and attempted to break my grip yelling at me to let go. I began to yell at him right back, “What are you doing in my house?” The boy that couldn’t be over 13 began to cry. I tried to calm down and began to explain to him I just want him to empty his pockets so I know he didn’t steal anything of mine. He reluctantly did, knowing I would not release my kung-fu grip on his arm until he followed my instruction.

He started empting his pockets on a bed that was in the middle of my dreamy living room, which was odd in itself, but seemed normal at the time. From his pocked came normal things, small toys, loose change and a book of matches. I picked up the matches and he began to cry again. My anger has totally left at this point and I felt sorry that I intimidated this young man and made him cry. I began to try to comfort him, telling him I didn’t care if he had matches and I would not tell on him. I said, “Do you understand…Comprede`?”

Immediately I noticed him clutching a knife, he then preceded to plug it into my chest, awaking me from my slumber.

Now reflecting on this dream this is what I can ascertain from the events.

• I hate people eating cereal in the middle of the day and with there hands no less.

• I might be over watering my lawn

Lastly and much more interesting, I must think that every little Mexican boy is out to rob me and when I start talking bad Spanish to him when he obviously speaks English, he will stab me in my awful, cold, black, racist heart!

Hmmm……….

I'm back yo!

It’s been awhile since I blogged here, but I’m giving this blog a fresh look and a new focus on updating my thoughts, success and failures in my everyday life. Now I’m busier than ever. I still draw comics but I also go to school full time now. I’m in the Military (no, I’m no POG!) and married with children. That means I’ll have lots to write about. I have a gallery show coming up this spring that’s gonna keep me busy trying to prepare for.

I entered a piece in a local juried art show here in the ole GC. Did I win? Of course not you silly goose. I have a few things going against me. First off I’m an illustrator, we never fair well in gallery shows next to giant oil painting and sculptures. Secondly, I live in a town that is not exactly the most open minded to my style of art. Lots of old blue haired twats were talking some shit about my work with me standing right next to them, them oblivious to the fact I was the artist that created this vile piece of modern dog shit.

You should have seen their faces when I kicked them in there dried up cunnys screaming, “fuck you old bitches, you don’t know good, though provoking art for shit sake…I heard you say you liked the water colored chickens! WATERCOLRED CHICKENS!!.” Ok, I didn’t say that, but it did cross my mind, (and I did kick them in their cunts). Anywho, the show was kind of a joke but I’m still optimistic in finding the subculture of exciting, fresh new artist that I feel is somewhere in this community. I hope to light a fire under the asses some of the old farmers and tight ass republicans that dot the Garden city landscape. I feel like Kevin Bacon in the great American film “Footloose”. I’m gonna get the young artists in this town drawing sick ultra violent images that will get them expelled from school, if it’s the last thing I do. It’s nice to have goals.

I have met a few young artists in my art classes I’m taking and most of them seem like wounded children that have been told that there is no value to their type of expression they put into their art. That’s how I see it anyway, I could be wrong, maybe those kids were touched by an uncle and they are a bit shy from that experience. who can tell these days. It doesn’t help that the art teachers here are less than encouraging about peoples art unless it fits into the boring fruit drawing cult that seems to have been spawned from this college. You gotta love Kansas! (Or not).

On another note, while I was away at Ft. Benning this summer Issue 2 of Pencilneck came out. I would tell you how good it looks but I have still not seen it myself. You can still order a copy from the comixpress website or from http://www.paperstreetcomics.com/. I’m doing some revamps on issue one that I have just about completed then crackin’ on issue 3 to get that out to the imaginary people who get to read my stuff. Their might be a new publisher for Pencilneck in the near future so keep your eyes on this blog for more details. Art wise that’s all that’s going on at the moment.